


Can I Finally Do Something Right?

by scooter3scooter



Series: Barley Has Anxiety [4]
Category: Onward (2020)
Genre: 20th fic yay, Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Thoughts, Barley Lightfoot Needs a Hug, Barley Lightfoot POV, Barley Lightfoot deserves a hug, Barley Lightfoot has anxiety, Barley is still in high school, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Goodbyes, How Do I Tag, Hurt, Hurt Barley Lightfoot, Hurt Some Comfort, Insecurity, Past Emotional Hurt, Past hurt, Precious Barley Lightfoot, Prequel, Regrets, Run Away, Runaway, Running Away, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Set before the Movie, not the comfort you’re looking for though, teen Barley Lightfoot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24008125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter
Summary: All it took was another call complaining to Mom about me being in a ‘restricted’ area and god I screwed up again. As if that’s not all I ever do. After mom finished telling me how not okay it is for me to keep running off to places I should not be, she shockingly did not ground me. I guess she’s just too done with me to deal with the annoyance of making sure I stick to my grounding.That’s all I ever do, annoy and disappoint. Wouldn’t they be so much happier if I ran off again and stayed away? Wouldn’t they be happier if I ran away?
Relationships: Barley Lightfoot & Ian Lightfoot, Barley Lightfoot & Laurel Lightfoot
Series: Barley Has Anxiety [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729015
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Can I Finally Do Something Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Tw for running away

All it took was another call complaining to Mom about me being in a ‘restricted’ area and _god I screwed up again. As if that’s not all I ever do._ After mom finished telling me how not okay it is for me to keep running off to places I should not be, she shockingly did not ground me. _I guess she’s just too done with me to deal with the annoyance of making sure I stick to my grounding._

_That’s all I ever do, annoy and disappoint. Wouldn’t they be so much happier if I ran off again and stayed away? Wouldn’t they be happier if I ran away?_

No, no I can’t do that. I can’t just leave. _Well, if Mom and Ian would be better off, then I’ll have no one to miss me. No one to look for me or even notice I’m gone. And isn’t that better? If I wasn’t here wouldn’t they be happier? No one here who screws everything up? No weird disappointment in the family?_

It’s not like I really have any friends, so no one to miss me. It’s better this way. If I leave now, while mom is teaching Ian how to sew, _she never taught me I had to teach myself for cosplay_ , they will see me leave and then I can get a head start if, for some reason, they decide to look for me. There’s no reason for them to though, they’ll see, if they don’t already, how much better off they’ll be without me.

_Maybe I’m finally doing something right._

Am I supposed to leave a note? Is that how this thing works, you leave a note saying you ran away so no one thinks you were like kidnapped or something? I mean, I run off often enough, Mom will just think I’m doing another quest or at another historical sight. It’ll take time before she realizes something is wrong, so if I leave a note I just speed up the process and that’s not worth it.

_Will she or Ian even really care?_

_I mean, Ian is old enough to take care of himself better. It’s not like he really wants me to be trying to take care of him, he doesn’t even really want anything to do with him in general. If he doesn’t need me and doesn’t want me, then what’s to keep me from staying?_

I threw some of my clothes in a backpack, along with a few essential toiletries, before lastly and most importantly putting my favorite spell books inside. _That should be enough?_ I have some money so all I have to do is walk to the bus station and then I can go on any and every quest I want. _God do I need to get myself a car. Or a van would be even cooler. Not like I can afford to buy one though, so what’s the use thinking about it._

As Mom was still in the process of making sure Ian knows how to do household skills, I made my exit. Only once outside, I whispered, “goodbye.” As if they could hear me.

Now all I have to do is walk to the bus stop and I’ll be able to explore everywhere and go on all the quests I want without anyone stopping me. _And without my actions hurting anyone anymore._

_But what if this is still screwing up? Not staying to protect Ian? I vowed that I would always be here for him, but that was to be what was best for him, have someone to look out for him and care for him, but what if what’s best for him is me out of the picture? All of mom's time and energy can go to him which they would both love, I won’t be there to embarrass him and keep ruining his chances to make friends._

_It’s not like I’m trying to ruin it for him, I’m trying to help. He just doesn’t see that, and that’s okay. It’s not like I expect him to._

Though doubts can not help but fill my brain, I kept walking. Kept leaving.

_But would leaving be a bigger mistake than staying and making more mistakes? Well really, how could leaving really be that big of a mistake? He can lean on mom more than ever now, with out me eating up her time with all my stupid antics. It’s not like they’d really miss me, they shouldn’t, they most likely haven’t even realized I’ve gone, it’s not like I even said goodbye-_

_Oh god, oh wait… I didn’t say goodbye. Not really. Not to them. Oh god this is just like dad this is just like with him I was selfish then I’m selfish now. How could I leave without saying goodbye_ again _?_

_If I still can’t get over not saying goodbye to dad, and still can’t even tell Ian about that, there’s no way I could move on from not saying it to both Mom and Ian. I can’t just leave without a goodbye._

_Not again._

I turned around and started walking back, not even all my doubts about going back could overpower the doubts about leaving, _afterall I can always leave after the goodbye, or another night even._ I had not even walked that far, I did not even reach the bus station. _That doesn’t even count as running away._

I walked back into the house and it was like I never left. _I was right, they didn’t even notice I was gone. It’s probably better that way._ I quickly made my way to my room, slinging off my backpack. But before I could unpack it, I heard a thud and a shout, _Ian!_

I ran upstairs, finding the attic door open and ladder down, _Ian never goes in the attic?_ going up the ladder I found him on the ground in front of a tall shelf, rubbing his head, a box fallen in front of him.

“Ian? What happened?” I immediately went over and kneeled in front of him.

Still rubbing his head, “Mom said she needed this box down, I don't even know what’s in it, but you were out so I figured I’d get it. Buy it was heavier than I thought and I dropped it and it hit me on the head” He quickly rubbed away a few tears of pain that sprung to his eyes, before going back and rubbing the bump that was already beginning to form. 

_If I was here I could have gotten the box, I’m taller and stronger than he is yet and I could have gotten it easily. How could I just have just let him?_

Eyes soft, I asked, “Can I see?” He moved his hand, revealing his skin bruising in a darker blue than his normal skin color, “let’s get some ice on that okay.”

I helped him up before grabbing the box he had dropped, it was definitely pretty heavy, I could see how he dropped it if he wasn’t prepared for the weight. After I gave mom the box, I got Ian a bag of ice from the freezer.

“Thanks bar,” though his smile turned into more of a wince when the cold touched his fresh bruise. _How does he always know how to help even without knowing there’s anything to help or that he is helping?_

_I could never leave him…_

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all the help with ideas LittleMissAgrafina :)  
> Eyy this is the twentieth fic ive ever posted :) And yet I still can’t come up with clever titles, big oof. And I still don’t proof read •.•  
> This was inspired by that line in Onward that Laurel was like it’s normal for Barley to run off but not Ian and I was like that shouldn’t be normal?? So I figured what if he actually left but never told anyone because he’s Barley (or at least my version of him).  
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
